Say hello – wave goodbye

this post is to be understood as a kind of sequel to “Something with Cancer

While my kids look at old photos, label them, calculate the dates, try to create a timeline and ask questions about them, well, there is my place in the middle as a haven of peace – as it has always been a pleasure to me. It feels so good to fill their interest with my memories.

At home with my love Sabrina and the children is a wonderful gift these days. Sabrina, my love, a true angel in the here and now, organizational talent and tireless in all matters, is a true blessing. I am deeply grateful for her constant presence, love and warmth in the here and now. Many a tear is shed, super-funny moments alternate with strange stories and heartfelt memories that touch us together. I can’t really describe what happiness and blessing I feel here. But as a glimpse into my final days, this blog does its job.

In the spring my health looked different and I was told that my intestines simply needed the rest they needed to regenerate in order to be fully functional again. That’s what the doctors said, even though they all advised me to do chemotherapy and immunotherapy “just to be on the safe side”. That was out of the question. I was far too weak, had lost too much weight and probably wouldn’t have survived. Afterwards I was on a good path physically, active again in badminton and otherwise in good spirits.

say hello wave goodbye | 2023 | oil & acrylic on canvas | 100 x 100 c 4 cm
say hello wave goodbye | 2023 | oil & acrylic on canvas | 100 x 100 c 4 cm

However, my soul’s path is different, so that many months later I am once again lingering on the threshold, letting my gaze wander across it… with full confidence and also anticipation of the coming stages of my transitional journey. End-stage peritoneal cancer and a growing intestinal obstruction that no longer makes eating possible led me to the decision to take the path of fasting to die. My body was sending me a clear message.

I haven’t eaten anything for 9 days now, I drink what I need and try to stay awake. which I managed quite well and gave us a nice time together. I won’t forget the doctor’s face in the clinic when I told him about my decision to fast to die.

“Yes how? Will you stop eating or drinking?

Exactly, I don’t eat anything and don’t drink anything.

“Nothing at all?”

Yes, I avoid eating completely and only drink moderately – some water or juice. Fasting to die.

“Fasting to die? I’ve never heard that before.” (with a slightly frightened look)

It’s interesting that in the 21st century we have trained doctors in our clinics who don’t or hardly deal with the topic of dying (it’s clear that this is a generalization – but unfortunately that’s also my experience from the last 12 months)… I really hope that this will change for the better in the next few years.

The palliative team (SAPV for specialized, outpatient palliative care at home), which Sabrina organized in her inimitable way from one day to the next, provides me with excellent remedies for pain and nausea and with sleeping supplements so that I can have relaxed nights.

We are all surprised at how quickly things are happening now, but for me and my path it fits together perfectly. Because I don’t plan on spending my last days dozing, drooling, and completely weakened.


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